I used to be on top of my game.
Those were some good times.
I was clicking links, reading posts, commenting on stranger's stories of love and life and dysfunction and deli meats. I was posting my own stories two or three times a week. I was getting blogging awards and staying busy with my link ups and blog hops and throwing my stories all over the internets.
I was doin' it.
I haven't done much of that stuff lately, and I wish I had a really good reason like being abductued by an alien in a Kentucky corn field or getting stuck in a really big bale of hay or eating Pop Rocks, drinking Coke and exploding my innards, but I don't really have any good reasons.
Instead of blogging, I've been doing this...
Do you guys remember my hyphochondria post, Because It's Probably Gangrene?
I thought I was over that hypochondria crap until I woke up a few days ago with terrible numbness and tingling in both of my legs.
I raced to the most awful-est place on earth for recovering hypos- the internet. The Mayo Clinic said I had Periphreal Artery Disease.
And The Mayo Clinic should know because they know, like, everything about me and everyone else on the Earth.
As I read about PAD, I could feel the arteries in my legs shrinking up like a dead worm on hot pavement. I was terrified to the point of tears. I paced around the patio and massaged my numb calves.
Again, I was forced to deal with the one terrible habit that I posess that actually could cause PAD- cigarette smoking.
I've attempted quitting smoking a handful times, and I'd rather hear Freddy Krueger massaging a chalk board. Smoking cessation is the worst feeling in the world- the anger, the anxiety, the worry, the harming of small animals. Besides quitting for thirteen months with both of my pregnancies, my personal best at quitting cold turkey is two months. Somehow I always fall back into this horrid habit.
But I couldn't ignore my numb toes and the Web MD diagnosis, so I threw the last disgusting cigarette in the ash tray and walked inside to a screaming three year old, the smell of copius amounts of unseen ketchup, a cupcake embedded in the carpet, a strange puddle on the hardwood floor, my daughter throwing dirty laundry over the stairway bannister and my husband leisurely sitting on the couch with not a care in the world.
I could have eaten a cigarette, but instead I breathed deeply and walked into my bathroom where I calmed myself, cursed, and prayed. I know the cursing and praying doesn't go well together, so I prayed for patience and forgiveness of the cursing.
I went to a new doctor this morning. She said that my good old herniated disc is bulging out of my back like a sweating kitten trying to claw out of a wool sack.
I've had this herniated disc since I was 21. I wish I could say that I received it due to lifting orphans from a burning school bus or something heroic like that, but I threw my back out in the summer of 2002 when I was unemployed and parked on the couch playing Tom Clancy's "Pandora Tomorrow" on the Xbox (not 360) for four days straight.
When I tried to get off of the couch on day four to clean the nougat and caramel stains from the ottoman, I felt my back "snap". I've been plagued with herniated disc problems and Sciatica ever since.
But I've never had numbness in both legs from the Sciatica. I've had excrutiating pain in one hip and one leg. I've been bedridden for days. But I've never had numbness in both legs.
So I argued with the doctor.
"I've never had numbness with Sciatica. It cannot be the herniated disc. Web MD said it is PAD. I quit smoking, but I'm still numb. Not only am I numb, but the nicotine cravings are making me extremely irate. I'm talking German kind of anger. Little square mustache kind of irate. Is it PAD? I'm only 31. Is it PAD? Help me!" I clinged desperately to her arm as tears filled my eyes.
"It is not PAD, dear. I've seen a lot of PAD. This is not PAD. Your herniated disc is really inflamed and pressing on nerves that are causing numbness in both legs this time. It's NOT PAD"
I pulled myself together and received a steroid shot in my hip.
Today was also my daughter's last day of school. We've been looking forward to this day since last August.
We were supposed to celebrate big. We had a ton of plans. We were going to go out to eat and swim in the pool after dark and my daughter wanted to have a sleep over. I was going to stay up late and watch Dazed and Confused.
I'm also blessed to currently be involved in several writing projects, so I was going to crank out some new material.
I was even going to type up another query letter and submit my novel to a new literary agent.
Epicness was on the horizon.
But my legs are still numb and annoying and worrying the heck out of me. I can't get out of bed or concentrate on anything but the calf buzzing and nicotine withdrawal.
My toes feel as if they've already been amputated.
I had the steroid shot HOURS ago. WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!??!?!??!?
Maybe it is not Sciatica. Maybe it is PAD. Maybe it is MS. Maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe I should get off the damn internet.
I'd really like to replace Web MD with Blogger. I'd really like to do that soon.